Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in M ä t t y ß's LiveJournal:

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Saturday, January 17th, 2004
3:01 pm	Why is it soooo freggin' cold out? This is why... WE HAVE NO SCHOOL From TheBostonChannel.com: 60° F: Southern Californians shiver uncontrollably. People in New England sunbathe. 50° F: New Yorkers try to turn on the heat. People in New England plant gardens. 40° F: Italian and English cars won't start. People in New England drive with the windows down. 32° F: Distilled water freezes. Maine's Moosehead Lake's water gets thicker. 20° F: Floridians don fur coats, thermal underwear, gloves, wool hats. People in New England throw on a flannel shirt. 15° F: New York landlords finally turn up the heat. People in New England have the last cookout before it gets cold. 0° F: All the people in Miami die... New Englanders close the windows. 10° below zero: Californians fly away to Mexico. The Girl Scouts in New England are selling cookies door to door. 25° below zero: Hollywood disintegrates. People in New England get out their winter coats. 40° below zero: Washington, D.C. runs out of hot air. People in New England let the dogs sleep indoors. 100° below zero: Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. New Englanders get frustrated because they can't start their "kahs." 460° below zero: All atomic motion stops. People in New England start saying......."Cold 'nuff for ya?" 500° below zero: Hell freezes over. The Red Sox win the World Series. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, January 1st, 2004
9:45 am	New Year's---WHOAH! WOW.... So CLEARLY a lot has happened since my last journal entry. For one, college happened to me; mad, wild and crazy floorgies, seeing Paul Oakenfold DJ @ Avalon, solar-car and water-rocket racing with the two sexiest ladies EVER, Drag shows @ Axis, Drag shows amongst our professors (hehe), KNOCK KNOCK, many a take-home message for the day, BabsonDanceEnsemble, Matrix & LOR III ("ugh" and "sweeeeeet," in that respective order), 3 boys, and one sexuallly frustrated roommate---yep, that's been my life for the past semester. GOOD TIMES @ OLIN!! I love it there. I'm surprised I still love it there :o) I wanted three things in a college: 1) To be as far away from home as possible. 2) To be at a huuuge university, where I could meet someone new each day for all four years, and still not even know half the school populus. 3) To be in the middle of a huge metropolitan area (ie., in the CITY!) How many of these did I accomplish by choosing Olin? NONE. Am I happy? hahaha, olin's AbsFab--(absolutely fantabulous)--wouldn't have made a different choice even if I had the chance!! And now, I continue to await a call from a potential boy. Why? Why do I continue exposing myself to people with whom I wish I could have a successful relationship--it always seems so ideal at the beginning--swept off our feet while holding one another in our arms, holding one another's hand to our heart--- and then, the exploding realization: not going to work. Dammit, another one down the drain. All I want is a boy with whom I would be able to successfully cooperate for the rest of my life. Is that really too much to ask? I wish you could just skip the dating stage entirely and simply delve into a sensual relationship. But as we (I) all know--it only ends up in heartbreak. So yeah, the take-home message for the day is: Take it easy. Chill out. It's about time you follow your own advice, Matthew: The only time you'll find the type of person you're looking for--is when you're not looking at all. (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 19th, 2003
2:15 am	Hello, goddess of WISDOM!!! You are bright-eyed, shrewd, resourceful and inventive. With friends, you are the wise counselor -- always ready with an empowering message. You believe strongly that women can accomplish anything men can. No wonder you put so much time into your career. Athena women tend to be ruled by their heads, not by their hearts. You carefully guard your intimate side, protecting your emotions and vulnerability. If you want to awaken your unexpressed womanliness, you'll have to use the same passion you apply to your intellectual achievements. It's important that you work to integrate your strong masculine side with your feminine side -- bringing together your strength with your vulnerability, your creativity with caring, your intelligence with imagination. Otherwise, you risk coming off as unaffectionate and self-righteous. Which Goddess are you? (girls only) brought to you by Quizilla (Comment on this)
2:00 am	I killled a skunk on the way home from work/gym tonight. My boyfriend randomly didn't show up last night, nor did he even bother contacting me to tell me he woulnd't be there. My mother's being a pain in the ass about the the money that I'm spending on college stuff. **My $$, not yours, mommy!!!!** I bought a pair of Express-women's jeans today. I'm going to be a godfather soon! I'm enjoying all my fellow oliners! I can't wait till saturday! ....What a strange and diversified life I lead! Current Mood: indescribable (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 6th, 2003
12:55 am	Wow, was that...!!?!?!?...Yes indeedy, that was a month that just flew by~ Time flies. I'm in South Carolina! I'm thoroughly enjoying spending time with my sister Lisa (ie, venting about the messed-ness of our father), I'm enjoying seeing all my old-time South Cakiliaki friends again, I'm enjoying baking in the sun and then working my bumbum off with dadd, But i madly, deeply, truly miss Timmy. Heh, the irony of it all. Timmy is not only the name of my boy, but my sister's dog up in CT. But I suppose "here bitch!" works for both of them... **Slap on the ass** (tee-hee) ;o) (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, July 25th, 2003
8:55 pm	jesus, it's been so long... So much just keeps on happening! So yeah...the whole Trev thing kinda faded away. I find it quite amusing how people just kinda drift their way into (and out of) your life. I think the dilly-yo on his end was that he just wanted to be with his good ol' friends (which is cool), but that again leaves me with the semi- not-good-enough-human-being syndrome. Like today, in the car on the way to work---my mother and I had **huge** fight. I was arguing with her about buying a car again....she keeps telling me that I feel ENTITLED to the world, when all I do is verbally abuse her. Mind you, she yells this at me at a decibal that's giving me a headache, and I'm sitting in the passenger seat crying my head off. Who vacuumed the entire house yesterday at your simple whim, even though it made me 15 minutes late to work? Who spend a couple hours cutting the lawn and trimming the hedges a few days ago? My theory is that she's the verbally abusive one, and she still has aggression from my father---and when she sees even a trace of his behavior in me, she totally goes ripshit and takes it out on me. Now, mind you---I don't pity myself. I feel very fortunate. But I don't feel that asking her to help me buy a new (used) $12,000 subaru is too much for ask for. Mind you, 1) I can already pay for half of it, 2) I neeeeeed a dependable car through college, so I can transport myself to job, etc., 3) I'm paying for all of my college expenses. After tuition and room&board tuition, all that's left is Clothes, books, food, insurance, supplies, etc.---I've already sent in my 1st semester check paying for all of it. I've even fucking been going FOOD shopping lately and putting it on my own credit card. My mother is making me semi-depressed. She lets my good qualities go unpraised, while tearing me apart for everything about me that's not positive. I can't stand to live with her as a human being anymore---if she wants to live a bitter life, fine---but count me out. I legitimately walked into Express today with sore, red eyes, from sobbing and sobbing in the car. "Yeah, bad allergies, Melissa," I tell the store greeter. Then, the second I walk into the back room, the flood releases yet again. "It's nothing, really Jess." Thank god for understanding managers--she gave me as much time as I needed to regain my composure. I can't continue to live with my mother. I simply can't do it. Am I asking too much? Or is my mother just a very stingy, bitter person? ...Or am I just stupid, and the world really does revolve around her? On the flip side, I met this **awesome** boy---we really see a lot in each other. It's a different kind of relationship than I've ever had before. But of course, I'm off to S.C. on tuesday. Another example of my patheticness. I'm feeling so upset and worthless, I can't even masturbate. Current Mood: melancholy (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, July 19th, 2003
1:56 am	What a strange life I lead.... How memorable the past few days have been... OK---so random Gap boy story: Matthew walks into Express. Matthew gets yelled at for wearing a regular, white-ribbed Tshirt. Matthew goes and buys collared Gap shirt on sale for 12.99 from cute boy.....Cute boy later comes in to Express with random girl...returns later, alone this time, requesting assistance while shoping for **what CLEARLY was** his fag-hag. Matthew assists. Matthew returns home for evening, reads e-mail from random Gap boy, and realizes that he saw his personals ad and responded to it waaay back when on planetout.com. Matthew ends up playing badmitten at midnight Tuesday night with *Trevor* (accompanied by KatyG and EStone), ends up @ Trev's house on Thursday night with Bob and Amy (Trev&Bob's fag-hag) watching Life is a House. ONLY to find out from Amy (cutest fag-hag ever..other than my few, that is ;o) that Trevor has boyfriend. ALARM! ALARM! ALARM!!! So by this point, we had some alcohol in us, and I pulled Trev aside. In very frank terms, I told him that he needed to choose between one boy and another, stop leading the other one on, and not lie to me ever again. So....yeah. on a ---COMPLETELY DIFFERENT [happier] NOTE---- Once again, I felt the captivation of the ocean while running Nantasket beach to meet Katy. hehe, once there, I stripped down to the tanning shorts, and hopped in the **freeeeezing** water to join Katy :o) Among other activites, Katy and I proceeded to take a bath together, and then Maria, EStone, JenBrady & random friend joined me for my first (and probably last) waxing session EVER...soooooooooo painful! Riiiight...lots of work coming up tomorrow night, so on somewhat of a random note...umm, yeah. G'night! Current Mood: silly (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, July 17th, 2003
4:42 pm	geez. "Nana's here!" yells my Aunt Phillis from our back deck. "Do you need any help getting her up the steps?" I ask, as mom runs in front of her walker, and my aunt is helping her from behind. "No, I don't think so..." replies the aunt. Then, while climbing the 5"-high step, in one foul swoop, Nana's legs collapse underneath her. Of course, my aunt can't hold her up, so I run to assistance, as my Nana starts whining and crying in helpessness. Quickly, we back her down off the stip, get her up on her feet again, and I put her down in the wheel chair. I have no idea what possessed made my aunt think that Nana should go onto the porch with her measly little walker, never MIND the thougtht that she might even be able to hold Nana up if she started to fall on the steip. What I do know, is that there is now a pool of blood running down Nana's leg, and once again, I'll be blamed for being the one who refused to help. Current Mood: Wow. (Comment on this)
4:09 am	Wonderful evenings... Don't ya just love it when they come along and tell you that everything's gonna be alright? Like after Express today, when JessTrotta, KatieMac and I were sitting on Route3 in traffic, being as psychotically-energized as we were, bouncing off the walls, saying the most randomly-crazy things EVER....lol jess, if you EVER call me gay again... ;o) So yeah, a ball was had by all! Then they dropped me off @ Hanover cinemas, where i saw Pirates of the Caribbean with KatyG, her lil' sis, catholic-school-girl-Kate, and EStone. Wonderful movie--lol I don't think i ever want to see walking corpses again, though--'twas a bit creepy. Major turn-off for me, hehe. We finally ended up at Ethan's house, where we listened to Alanis Morisette, Jack Johnson, and Pink Floyd, while being thoroughly captivated by the WinAmp visualizations projected onto the ceiling and mirrors. It was sweeeeeet---tonight I discovered that you really don't need any drugs whatsoever to feel like ya trippin!! and yet...alone, once again... Current Mood: tired (Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 15th, 2003
1:52 am	Some days just suck the Big One... LIKE today for instance. So I get up at 6.45 in the AM (with a booooming headache) to pick up Maria, have a trashy breakfast at MickyD's and DD'sb only to drive right down to RhodeIsland and pick up Tom and his friend. Tom had previously obtained AWESOME (free!) tickets to see a live interview in NBC studios with Carson Daly and Natalie Ambruglia! So we're all psyched, trucking down to NYC... then all of a sudden: "NOOOOO!" Yes, that's right--Tom's contact blew right off his finger. So they're searching the car up and down for about 10 minutes, no seatbelts on; Tom's desperately tearing the trunk apart. Finally say, "Maria--watch the road for just a sec--I'm gonna check my floormat to make sure it's not down here." AS my luck would have it, less than 5 seconds of searching, and Maria yells "Maaa---" **BANG!!!** OH shit-fuck. Yep, I definitely did just rear-end the truck in front of me. So we pull over, exchange info, get the cop cars to come, and the tow truck, call Tom's mom. This was followed by chilling @ the Mobil station for an hour or so, taking some pictures of me mourning over the loss of Rubie my Subie, and a **one-and-a-half** hour long tow-truck ride back to Massachusetts. Thank God the tow- Nonetheless, my optimisim saved my day (thank God for happy rainbow-boy attitude!!) As soon as I got back, I decided that this incident would simply speed up (THRUST into full throttle, that is) my new/used-car-searching activities. Maria and I zipped to the Planet Subaru dealership, took a peek at a few sexy-lookin' Subie Foresters, fell in love with the king-size moon roof, and essentially decided upon the model that I want. Now all I have to do is wait for one I can afford! Anyways, after that we went food-shopping @ Victory, came back here, watched Red Dragon (yes, I did jump once, like my mother does...*shameful!*), and ate chicken, Luna bars, and cherries for dinner. 'Twas a ball, until Maria left and Mom once again reminded me that she wants me out of the house, because I'm such a rebellious child. This was followed by and non-gracious "thank-you" for buying her $200 worth of clothes at a 45% discount, but after wasting my time, making me late for work @ Bridgeman's TWICE (had to wait in a looong line), and trying them all on, she decided that she really doesn't want any of them. Now I have to do a $200 return. Yay! loooong-line time again. I could very easily live a content life not ever seeing my mother again. ExTREMEly easily. She picks apart EVERY little thing I do wrong, but is never greatful for what I actually DO do around here---expecially her unceasing computer lessons. Maria said it herself-- "I don't know what you're mom's going to do without you next year!"...and yet she wants to kick me out of the house. I swear to God, she'll be calling me @ Olin next year asking me (yet AGAIN) how to change the font size, or how to unlock her cellphone, or something silly and petty like that!! Current Mood: pissed off (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, July 7th, 2003
1:26 am	heh My life is rated R. What is your life rated? obscuredolfin (1:16:17 AM): lol! i can't even imagine living the whirlwind that is your life PS--Jen, honey---thank you SO much for your gay rights LJ entry...you're right in so many ways. The rest of ya'll can view it here. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
12:48 am	Christ!! Y Ya'll rock! Yeah, so the bridgeman's crew ended up bumming out on me, but Laura, Jen, Maria&Junior (yes, they're written as one lol), Julie, Julia, and I all had SUCH a mish-mashingly enjoyable night! The highlights of the evening included my favorite girl, Midori, some really screwy-frieked up JapAnimation Daft Punk music videos, floating candles in purple water (kudos, Laura!), !!!falcon vids!!!!, flirting with Junior (Maria's finacee), a few random Matthew-speak words (if anyone can remember my defunked speach, please leave comments with examples!! lol), and that about wraps it up! We partied hard, from around 1 to 4, when we finally crashed :o) yeeeehaw! I love this **no mother** thing. I'm definitely going to have another party some time this week, mostly to chill with people who i actually graduated with, AHEM katy and eStone!!! I'm thinking either Wed. or Thurs. night...so plan ahead, people! It's an open invitation! Current Mood: chipper (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, July 5th, 2003
1:25 am	Happy 4th Everyone!! Hah, even though it's the 5th right now :o) OMG i had soo much fun today! It started with a random trip to the beach with Milton, we just chilled for a bit. Then I called Laura and joined her @ some random barbeque in hull...and later went to the beach yet again! hehe...then, after missing my sunset (**tears**) I welcomed Katy home. Heh, I was sitting on her doorstep, talking to her on the cellephone when she was pulling into her driveway...clearly, I hadn't told her that I was waiting at her house. Her mom was laughing hysterically, calling it a "classic" Matthew move----tee-hee. THEN maria randomly returned my call, and, with 42 minutes before the fireworks in boston were scheduled to start, I jetted out to pick up Maria, her sister, and Junior. We all zippppped into JFK/UMass, caught the red line, and made it to the Charles River literally three minutes before the fireworks began---wahoo! they were SO good....I'd definitely have to say that my favorite firework was either the "weeping willow," the "parachuted flares," or the "smiley faces." After the 'works, we walked to quincy market, where some random NewYorkCity Break-Dance Club was performing on the street. After seeing them, I was deeply touched--I've decided i WILL teach myself how to breakdance next year, even if it kills me :o) Thank you all for making my 4th so super-uber-fantabulous! PS----PAAAAARTY @ MY PLACE TOMORROW NIGHT....don't show up before midnight.....it'll be the bridgeman's crew mixed in with my "bff's"---best-friends-ever.....also, you're welcome *and preferred to* sleep over, seeing how it'll be SUCH a late and "festive" evening [morning!]......YAHOOOOO! Current Mood: ecstatic (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 1st, 2003
1:38 am	Relieved. Finally. So I did indeed talk for a while with Milton today, apologies were made, and everything's good in da hood. **Giant sigh of relief** But now I must backtrack to finish what I seriously consider to be the most screwed up, interesting, and yet emotional week of my entire life...the final chapter of ----- ---- --- --- -- - The Week of Trauma-Drama- -- --- ---- ----- After returning from a vunderful day at ze cape, I worked 6-close Friday at Express, only to wake up Saturday to work 10-3, mowed the entire lawn in my hour-and-a-half off, then Bridgeman's [Restaurant] 5-close. After returning home, I decided it would be healthy to have some "me" time before doing all my remaining chores. MY MOTHER, mind you, barges in on me while I'm talking to Dustin and starts going berzerk that it's 1 in the AM, I haven't started my chores, my cousin Matt is arriving from California in 7 hours, etc. etc. While screaming at the top of her lungs, she has the balls to turn of my computer screen while I'm typing to Dusty. After approximately three minutes of me: screen on, mother: screen off, me: screen on, mother: screen off..... , I started IMing Dusty with the screen off. Mom now REALLY blew her lid, and tried to hit the power button. Luckily, I overpowered her scrony figure, and didn't let her get to it. Finally I said, Ya know what? If you can't TRUST me to get the chores done on time, then you don't deserve to have them done. I'll have NO more of you trying to manage my time, telling me exactly how to spend every minute of my life. If you want something done by a certain time, it'll get done. And you know it. I always have, I always will. There's nothing's new under the sun. So she leaves me alone, and I proceed to call Dustin. After about a half-hour long convo, she barges into my room screaming once again. "You're a horrible son, I can't believe you turned out just like your father!!!! You're so controlling of everyone around you!! You need to leave this house immediately, mister! Right now!" (Ummmm....mom, what do you want me to do, go over Katy's at three o'clock in the morning?...and remind me who's being controlling and/or verbally abusive? Who's screaming, and who's talking in a normal tone of voice? ummm...yeah...) "Get out! In the next 5 minutes, i want you OUT!!!" So I proceed to place my Midori in the backpack, go out to the car, and leave. I parked at the end of the street, walked back 10 minutes later, snuck in to my room, and didn't get to sleep till around 4ish. I proceeded to wake up at 6 to sweep, wash, and/or vacuum the floors, and sweep the deck. All these chores were done by the time I left for Express. Yeehaw for our fall denim launch Sunday morning @ 8. I was so tired, it wasn't even funny. I dragged all day...(and yet still managed to sell the highest volume of anyone in the store)...after that, I came back and saw the cuz and his new wife for 15 minutes before rushing off to Bridgeman's, which turned out to be the night from hell. It was not extremely busy---it was just f***** up in EVERY way possible. Orders screwed up, people being yelled at left and right, unhappy customers, the list goes on... ---interesting part--- **disclaimer: sudden expression of emotions soon to follow*** While driving home from work, I felt this sudden overwhelming feeling of uselessness. I screwed up out of pure exhasution so many times at Bridgeman's. I made a really horrid "breakup" with Milton. I feel like I've completely lost touch with Maria, one of my best friends ever. Even Katy seemed semi- distant at the cape. And best of all, my mom wants me to move out. Out of nowhere, I start bawling. Tears, covering my face in a deluge. All at once, tears, and more tears---absolutely sobbing. Mind you, the last time I'd legitimately cried was freshman year. I was so relieved to feel this rush of emotions, that it just kept coming for about 30 minutes. I even drove to Katy's house and back, and my face was still flooded (Katy wasn't home). Randomly, I called a few people (Maria/Katy/Laura, none of whom could I reach) before I finally spoke to Tom. Thank God for bestfriends...I finally chilled out after a while, and realized that I really was in contact with my emotions for the past four years, which made me an extremely relieved person. Mind you, it clearly takes a hell of a lot of upsetness to really **get** to me. After sunday evening, the trauma/drama week was officially ended. Today was quite peachy, just chillin' w/ maria on the beach, watching DS9 with Milton, finding out who my roommate is for olin, and watching Sweet Home Alabama with LauraM. OH! and I just talked to Dawn, from Canada...heh, I'm glad to hear that Gael doesn't hate my guts or anything....I should be hearing from mr. band-camp (yes, band camp at 21 years old) soon enough. Anyways, I'm glad to know that my life hasn't gone completely sour! Thank you friends, for you are my true family. I'd never make it without all ya'll! Oh, and in regards to my previously-mentioned game of Twister---my belly-button finally managed to find purple, baby! :o) Current Mood: relieved (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, June 28th, 2003
2:06 am	The story of a week in my life.... Tom took me to a very interesting restaurant in "The Village" (the rainbow-oriented part of Montreal)... Yeah, tha'ts right---I had Sex on the Beach. It was quite tasty! Accompanying this fantabulously STRONGly mixed drink was a weird french dish named ::poutine:: consisting of french fries soaked with gravy and melted mozerella cheese...yes, i know it sounds yucky, but mmmm mmm good! That night we (Tom, tom's boyfriend's roomate [Dawn], and her girlfriend [Josie-anne]) went to a really spiffish, eclectic bar, where I had sex on the beach yet AGAIN, along with gaggermeister and Kalua shots--which were just okay. Then went to meet Josie-anne's friends to drink beer in a playground. Apparently this 22-year-old cute French boy (Gael--Josie-anne's cousin--a piano player, nonetheless!) thought I was cute, but heh, he barely spoke English. All of our conversations in general were a bit twisted (b/c of the drunken-stupor), but everything made for an extremely entertaining evening! Sleep occured around 5 AMish. Next day went by pretty quickly...Tom-tom and I went on a joy-ride thru the city, mind you it was Quebec independence day---throughout the day we found a free outside concert that hadn't yet started, visited Notre Dame and the surrounding areas, had the **best** salmon croissant sandwich EVER. Later on we met up with Dawn, Josie-anne, Gael and made our and eventually headed out to... MADO. The most popular gay club &/or bar in Montreal. oh-mi-god----my first drag queen show ever! It was all in French, but the songs were in English. Let me tell you---it was hilarious when Mado (drag-queen) came out with a Star Trek uniform on from waist up, and fishnet stalkings on from waste down. 'Twas QUITE a humorous sight to see...so anyways, after the show, there was lotsa dancin' and drinking....I had almost a whole pitcher of Sangrine (a drink mixed w/ wine) by myself, then had a couple peach schnopps and a few madori shots. The entire time, I was barely buzzed---i hate having such a high tolerance! Nonetheless, Gael and I dance a bit (mind you, it was meaningless, I personally did not consider this cheating in any way)...heh, the music was all good old American--ancient Madonna (Material Girl), Gloria Estefan, heh---the best club music ever! All of a sudden, Gael leans in and deeply kisses me. I didn't refuse in any way whatsoever. I just let it happen. And almost like the blood running through my veins, thoughts started rushing through my head----I vividly remember the first time I kissed Milton, us dancing the night away at Bagly....these were the best of the memories of our relationship, the ones way back at the very beginning. I didn't pull back from Gael, but not purely because I didn't want to be rude (mind you, i had previously told Gael that I had a boyfriend...) Eventually, he told me that I was his first male kiss, which I already knew, since he'd just come out to his friends & family the month before, and he then he invited me back to his apartment. Mind you--he's truly not the sketch-ball I might have made him out to be; on the contrary, he's a very sweet, gentle person. Obviously, however, I declined the offer, in view of keeping whatever little respect Milton (and/or all ya'll) may still have for me after this whole ordeal. However, as I always say----No regrets. From the tom-talks and the time I spent with Gael, I really felt it necessary to reevaluate my realtionship. I remember what it meant to be truly happy--the whole "love at first sight" deal. More recently, though, I feel that I've been stressing over it--the little things, the things that really shouldn't matter--more than having fun and enjoying my significant other's company. I just feel that I always put so much effort into a relationship, trying exceedingly hard to make it work...but I just never get the same effort in return. I suppose it's my own personality flaw--expecting too much, that is. As the story goes, we all know that stress is one thing I can take no more of. (random info: i just recently started grinding my teeth at night...i sometimes wake up with an achy jaw). So yeah....half of my drive back from Montreal is spent thinking up things to tell the cop when he pulls me over for going 90 in a 65 zone, and the other was what to tell Milton. I didn't know how to break it. I still don't know what to say to explain and/or even barely trying to make things better. It was such a surprise for him--it truly caught him off guard. There are so many little things. I don't know what to say. I knew I'd end it before we went off to college, unless everything was going sooo totally perfect. Which was doubtful. I suppose I cut short both our agony. I apologize to those whom I may have hurt in the process (yet ironically, to those whom I still might happen to love). So yeah, I was a jerk and **very poorly** attempted to explain my thoughts only 15 minutes before he had to go home on wednesday night. The next morning, I was off to the Cape to see Katy, Emmy, & Lizzy. Stupid me. Give extremely bad news to the one you love, then disappear into oblivion for the next few days. What kind of asshole does that again? ...yeah. I had a semi-relaxing time at the Cape with Katy & crew. heh, P-town was a blast, as always. I was all decked out, capris, glittery eye makeup and all. (...Once again, I was strangely reminded of the joy of Bagly prom). So yeah. I'm not exactly confused, but I'm also not clear as to what to do next. I feel like a game of Twister--my right hand is on red, my left hand is on blue, my right foot is on yellow, and my left foot is on green. And the spinner just told me to put my belly-button on purple. Current Mood: shitty (Comment on this)
Thursday, June 26th, 2003
2:11 am	Montreal--stupéfier, superbe, extraordinaire! I loved it there. And to be honest, it was a complete escape from everything I hate about America. Conservative people, close-mindedness, typical American pigheads who care about no one and nothing else but themselves---Montreal had none (or at least very little) of these. And you know what? It really bothers me sometimes to know that I am categorized with what Montrealians consider "Américains stupides." The even more unfortunate fact is that essentially, it's true. We really don't give a damn about anyone else in the world but ourselves. We really don't care about the damage we do to our environment by doing something as simple (and yet careless and lazy) as leaving our computers 24/7. We really don't care that although we're only the 4th largest country (by size) in the world, we put out more pollution than any of the three largest three countries. We believe that since there's nothing that we as individuals can do to solve the problem, why bother trying? Frankly, how do you think Canada legalized pot and/or gay marriages? It certainly wasn't a random politician here or there.... I've always known that America was never the place for me...too many little things I just can't stand about this country. In Montreal, it was a whole different world. People GIVE a shit---practically half the poplation gets around by bycicle or public transportation. Whether 16 or 54, you could walk the streets with shiny purple hair, with a pot flag draped over your shoulders, or even no shirt at all, and not necessarily be noticed as "different from the others" one way at all. People have their freedom, they enjoy it to the fullest extend--but they don't abuse it. Additionally, Montreal gave me time to reflect upon my personal life. Just the people I met, along with a few friends and drunkenly-open-and-honest discussions, allowed me to realize that I need to stop fooling myself into believing that things will work out. As Tom's always said about clothing, "If you have to think about whether you like the shirt or not, it's obviously not a go." It's clearly not exactly the same....but still, no matter how hard you try, there is only a certain extend to which you can attempt to make things work out-----once you've crossed that line, it's all circumstance. I don't really know why this is all hitting me so suddenly. I suppose I've been forcing these thoughts to the back burner of my mind for quite some time now...it's about time I fix things up. I really don't want to hurt anybody, especially those whom I love...but some things were purely by chance meant to be, and others...well, i just don't want to hurt anyone. Bitterness and/or sadness is the last thing that I want to become of this. On that note, it's time that I put my lonesome self to bed. Goodnight, moon. Current Mood: contemplative (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, June 19th, 2003
1:30 pm	Ahhh! I was at Express until Four freggin AM today. It's 1.30 pm. I just woke up ten minutes ago. Screw the fregggin' visits from regional managers! There goes my day off... Current Mood: upset that i wasn't getting paid time-and-a-half (Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 18th, 2003
2:02 am	Montreal!!!!......(or not) So yeah, after cleaning the house for 2 hours on monday, I leave for Montreal. However, on the bridge between hingham and weymouth, i drive over (literally) a 4-inch long nail. It goes into my tire kiddy corner, in through the bottom of my tire, and out the side of the tire. Hence, the loudest BOOM that I ever heard really scared the crap out of me. I instantly pulled over. Over the two-and-a-half hours, I realized that my stupid father removed the jack and wrench from the spare tire kit, called mom to use hers, realized that our tires have different size tire bolts (so her wrench didn't work), got the jack stuck underneath my car (b/c the tire was sooooo so flat), called AAA...the bolts on my tires happened to be on SO tight that even the superman of a tow-truck driver couldn't get them to budge. At this point, we jack my car back up again, lodge a piece of wood underneath the tire, took the jack out, and I drive off the wood and a quarter mile down the road to the tire place. Once there, the grease-monkey with four or five functioning teeth used an airgun to get the bolts loose & put my spare tire on. He turned out to be a really nice guy. Oh, throughout this, I forgot to mention the point that I became incredibly frustrated with all of my mothers' stupid questions (Why can't you get the jack out? What's the AAA guy doing? You're going to put those tools back in my car so that don't rattle when I drive, right? ...etc.etc.). Thus, when I FINALLY cracked, and told her to leave me alone and go sit in the car, she spazzed out, declaring "I'll take no more of this verbal abuse!!" and drove away and left me stranded, once again. Hazaa for mothers. **rolls eyes** I was wicked pissed. BUT the time I was able to spend w/ Milty and party that ensued later that night @ Jen's house truly made up for it! Good times ---> grinding to A*Teens, jungle juice, random sex-talks with little Rachel Lincoln, M&M's, and sleeping with Jen ("with" = in the same bed as), 'twas all a ball! Don't worry Tom, I'll make it to Montreal eventually!!! Current Mood: confused (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, June 15th, 2003
4:05 am	as they always tend to do, things turned out alright. Katy & her little sister, Laura M, Danielle and her friend, and (drum roll everyone!) Milton showed up at my tap and jazz recital. Thank you all for being there---I can't explain the extend to which your mere presence simply made my day!---no, WEEK!!...no--entire summer! It was SUCH a grand occasion. My "I wanna be a producer" solo went flawlessly (for the first time ever! hoooray!), and the rest of the performance was practically perfect as well. But more importantly, I had SOO much fun-- during rehearsal, with my fellow dancers; during the performance, in the spotlight yet once again; and afterwards, when we finally ended up @ stop&shop to buy pints of ben&jerry's and Godiva (mmmmm) ice cream :o) This is the part where I apologize to whoever I may have offended in the process of making sure that my boyfriend will be there when I need him. Andrew--you're a cool kid. I really hate having people mad at me, and (as Laura will be happy to attest to) it EVER-so-rarely happens. Actually, my mother not included, I can't remember the last time I've had people seriously angry at me. I feel almost guilty for the whole ordeal....but I feel that there are some battles that necessitate fighting for. Nonetheless, I apologize for any hurt feelings. Let's put all the drama (&/or trauma, as some people may perceive it) behind us. So far as I know, everyone ended up happy. Milton spent most of the afternoon at the grad party, then *verrrrry sweetly* brought me a rose at the recital. I love you! Shall we look forward to the AWESOME summer in store for us, ladies and gentlemen? :o) And Katy, Mr. Teddy will be by my side every night I spend at Olin. Thank you so much! We'll have to go kick maria's ass together....**muahahaha** (inside joke--don't ask...) On that note, I'll say that I ever-so-pleasantly ended my evening with my two wonderful ladies Laura and Jen, watching (&/or laughing at) a randomly selected gay video (and no, not porn this time, kiddies ;o) on the love seat which we dragged & squished into the computer room :o) Twas a loverly end to a loverly day. G'night to all you cute children of the world! Current Mood: accomplished (Comment on this)
Saturday, June 14th, 2003
5:05 pm	And the results to my alcohol test.... Congratulations Darling! You are champagne - You are so stylish and confident - and love the finer life. Some people call you posh/snobbish, but what do they know! ? What alcohol are you? With Pics ! brought to you by Quizilla (Surprise surprise, I still have some rolling around in the back seat of my car!) (Comment on this)